I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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