the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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