i need an iv and a liver transplant
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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