he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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