im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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