my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
