Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
