Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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