Porn is love you can see.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
