and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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