I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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