So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
