I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
