Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
