I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
