Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
