Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
