In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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