he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
