he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
