Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
