Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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