You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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