When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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