How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Mom said you looked used
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
