no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Randomize
