Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Ladies don't puke and tell
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
