My pussy is not your playground.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
