called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
