$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
