dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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