Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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