My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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