i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
