im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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