Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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