Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
