I just cut my nipple shaving
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
