If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
