I wish I could teleport
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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