Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
