I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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