I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
