everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
being pregnant is like rehab
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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