I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
