Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
