I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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