I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She just used a chaser for red wine.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
