We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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