Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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