Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
