Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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